Tuesday, December 4, 2012

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Jack Bauer Edition

Welcome to Dude Write!

We are thrilled to have you here, whether you are a Writer Dude, a Blogger Dude, a Reader Dude or a Fanatic of good writing. If you've stumbled upon us via a link and wondering what you've gotten yourself into, our Mission Statement should explain it all.

Special Announcement

Before we get to far into our awards this week, we have a special announcement about our special project and the special guy we got to help us out.  Now before you come forth with the "short bus" jokes, I can't imagine a more intelligent guy to be talking about.  Seeing that he was crushed when we put the Flash Fiction on hiatus, your editors decided that who better than this dude to infuse some life into that part of Dude Write?!?!  

We've asked Daniel Nest if he would come on board as a special Editor for Flash Fiction and we are delighted to announce that he was foolish enough to accept! Look for something very soon from Daniel.

Now, on with the Awards!

This is Youngman Brown...no really...
Surely you expected us to give you a heavy dose of Jack Bauer?  Well, we can't be that predictable so we have come up with a day in the weekend of Jack Bauer.  24 hours of scratching because he had an itch.

Jack isn't sure where he has awakened. With his last 24 hours having been a bit hectic, much like the 7 24 hours prior to that, he didn't care much.  He'd been dropped off with little to do. Every town looks cookie cutter in whatever suburban hell he has to kill the next 24 hours in.

Feeling a bit anxious for the day to get exciting, Jack logs onto Facebook where he is bombarded with people telling him how they intend to plan their day. "Please!" he thinks to himself, "just take the day as it comes and stop wasting my time telling me about it!"  He then shoots the computer.

Lacking for entertainment, he switches on the television and among the 700 possible choices at his command, he settles in to watch Wheel of Fortune.  Just as he is working towards solving the movie puzzle "_OST BO_S" and pondering his options that he would choose should he ever appear on the show, Pat decided to show interest in Madge, the housewife from Duluth and her 57 cats.  As Madge is rattling off the 37th and 38th cat names, Jack is forced to shoot the TV.

Jack realizes it is time to stop being lazy and get to doing something with his Saturday.  He has managed to avoid the Black Friday shoppers out a week early and avoid the grocery stores packed with shoppers picking up Turkeys and leftover stale Halloween candy.  A nice relaxing drive would be a good way to remove stress, so he hops in his car and heads out.  He flips on the radio to hear old Bing belting out White Christmas, turns the tuning knob and catches Anita and Rockin' Around the Christmas Tree, blood slowly crawling into his head, he takes another turn of the knob just in time to catch the end of the barking dogs doing Jingle Bells.  Jack rips the wheel to the right, pulls his gun and shoots inflatable Santa.

Santa's owner races from his house, self-retracting defense ball at the ready.  He means business in his electro-shock body armor and whistle.  Jack's own defensive training takes over and he narrowly dodges the oncoming defense ball. "Buddy, keep your Yo-Yo to Yo self!" and then he shoots the nearby fire hydrant causing water to spray everywhere and causing the man's suit to give him enough jolt to stand his all his hair to stand on end.

All of Jack's training kicks in and he takes off on foot through the backyards and across a corn field.  He leaps another fence and comes face to face with a T-Bone steak in the form of a pen of young bulls.  As the bulls give him the eye, Jack makes his way cautiously across the pen and is about to leap the fence when he trips on a water trough full of ice.  On all fours, Jack catches a flash as one of the bulls rushes him.  As he isn't sure if the bull is ready for fighting or sex, Jack shoots him.

After the ice and mud, and the bull and the blood, Jack sneaks into the farmhouse to get cleaned up.  No trucks in the drive typically means nobody is at home, so he is cautious as he enters with his gun drawn.  As he works on cleaning himself up in the kitchen, he glances over and catches a glimpse of something that makes his skin crawl.  Moving cautiously, he works his way lightly across the floor until he is within two feet of the object of his disdain.  As he picks it up and moves it towards his head, he begins... "this CIA pen may have been recording my every movement and likely digitally connected to the Internet, but I've already kill one internet this morning..." BANG.

Sufficiently satisfied that he will no longer be monitored in this house, Jack spies a plate of warm cookies on the counter and decides that since he doesn't actually get to eat on any of his normal 24 hour days, he can indulge in a cookie or seven.  As he bites into the first, he realizes that its baker can't have been gone long.  Warm Toll House cookies have always been his favorite since he was a little boy, which was more than a few 24 hours ago.

Like Goldilocks after a bowl of porridge, Jack lets the weight of the cookies take its fair measure from his energy.  Instinctively, Jack determines he must find a bed.  After so many 24s, sleep overtakes him fast.  As he drifts off to sleep, he lets a gaseous emanation fire knowing its warmth will engulf him and carry him farther into sleepy land.  Much to his surprise, his delightfully warm fart is met with a blast of arctic air right back where it came from.  Startled and awake, it dawns on him.

He's at Grandma's house.  He isn't there often, but always memorable here in Mississippi, or was it Missouri because it is difficult to tell.




And with that, we shall reveal the results.


Our inductee into the Members Only Diamond Club having been voted by his peers is Six Fingered Monkey with his post Game Show Banter. It seems fitting that Six who took the very first Diamond Club would take the first Members Only card.  With 10 posts and possibly 10 votes, competition was stiff and votes scarce.  We can tell you that no less than 6 posts were considered.  Six should be proud to have come out on top.

Congrats, and head on over to the Diamond Club to link up!


The latest People's Choice award winner, granted to the person receiving the most votes from our readership is Jimmy who apparently has an opinion. His post, Farts and Hot Flashes had a $1,000,000 idea about a temperature sensing bed that has fart tolerance had us all thinking and offering ideas on how to make it bed-er.

Congrats Jimmy!




There are three Chairman's Choice awards this week.

Last week's Diamond, Daniel Nest said:  "I'm picking "Christmas Music and Tard the Grumpycat" this week. A funny way to express the frustration we all surely feel with the incessant Christmas songs on the radio. Well done!"


Your editors also had an opinion this week.

WilyGuy said, "Even with 10 posts, this was a difficult decision.  I went with Daniel Nest's Self Defence Gadgets (even if he spells Defense incorrectly) because I enjoyed each and every gadget.  He is always thorough in his research and his added wit makes me chuckle and gives me more than enough comment worthy moments.  Great Job Daniel."

Michael Walker said, "My Chairman this week goes to Kevin for his 'This was not supposed to be about Facebook post.' I think Kevin nailed my personal feelings towards Facebook. Nice job Kevin."


Congratulations to all of the new Man Card winners this week. If you didn't get yours this week, come back again on Thursday and try again!