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This week's Dude Write Summary is dedicated to The Six-Fingered Monkey's Nana, who sounded like an amazing woman.
As dudes, we sometimes have to deal with some scary situations.
Take online dating, for instance. It is a brand new world to us, and we don't really know the rules to this scary, scary world. Though we know that not every girl out there is a Mormon BYU undergrad who would opt not to see any nudity on the Voyager, we, as men, are still confused and under-prepared as to what is acceptable for dating and we have to Google things, like "Are sexy texts OK?"
We go on our first date and before you know it, we are whipped by one of them, buying them stuff even though we are trying to be frugal. Or going through hell to get them a free vibrator at a women's conference. Or perhaps we hate the way they eat our popcorn, but the only time we can win the argument of how to properly go about eating it is when we are fantasizing about winning said argument. And when we aren't fantasizing about winning arguments, we fantasize about the weather girl on TV.
That's where it starts, at least -- the fantasizing.
The next logical step, of course, is to take (passive-aggressive) action.
So we then go and spend the weekend driving around and hanging out with our buddies (it beats driving around to procure a new piece of equipment for work). We need to blow off steam by golfing and pulling pranks with the guys.
If that doesn't solve our problems, then the next step -- as we all know -- is violence.
We start by wielding epic axes, large enough to destroy any kind of mystical beast. Or at the very least, able to keep Ronald McDonald away. The only thing that matters is that we stand our ground, even if we lose our arms and legs in the process. We need to stand for something, even if we are unable to stand.
The last step, of course, is desperation.
Though hopefully it doesn't go so far as spending all day in the men's room, waiting for someone special to sit down in the stall next to us.
This week's inductee into the Diamond Club is The Six-Fingered Monkey for his post "I Really Missed You Today," in which he gives his deceased Nana a touching update on his life and his emotions.
And it had us all in tears.
Congrats, and head on over to the Diamond Club to link up!
I am thrilled to present our Platinum Man Card to Michael A. Walker from Defying Procrastination for his post "Shotgun and a Fist Full of Toilet Paper," where we learn that maybe it is better for the guy in the stall next to you to make a whole bunch of noise. Long overdue accolade
And this week's Gold Man Card goes to our other editor, Wily Guy, for his post "The Queen of School Security," in which he lets us see Mrs. Mynd's prowess in keeping unwanted (and extremely frightening) predators away from our children.
Ronald McDonald is scary, yo.
There are three Chairman's Choice awards this week. Brandon from My Own Private Idaho won last week, giving him the honor of being a designated Chairman this week.
Popcorn Etiquette. I'm 'pro-handfuls' myself and I know that ostracizes me from certain circles. Props to you, Chiz, for tackling the tough issues while the two Presidential candidates refuse to take a position!"
Your editors also had an opinion this week.
Youngman Brown said, "My pick this week HAS to go to Chuck Steak of 50 Years of Angst for his post "Wacky and Zany, You Are Not." As someone who has dabbled in online dating, I can totally relate to his observations of the online dating world. But his online profile which he shared was downright hilarious with the over-the-top-honesty that shouldn't exist in the real world. I'm sorry, but if the responses to the questions don't make you chuckle, there is a decent chance that you don't have a soul."
WilyGuy said, "I was almost put off by the length, but then became engrossed in Stories for the Masses: Highlander by Michael Manz. His tale simply clicked into place and I was suddenly in the highlands talking to an Owl and smiting beasties with an orb. I look forward to reading more from a promising Dude Write rookie! Congrats!"
And finally, we have the "Color Commentator" Man Card, which is awarded to someone who we spotted making a particularly exceptional comment on another dude's post.
Shotgun and a Fist Full of Toilet Paper."
He said: "Maybe he was sympathetically aware of your dirty butt/no paper problem and was offering a unique way of assisting you. It didn't have to be sexual."
And you know what... I think he was just being a good Samaritan too.
Congratulations to all of the new Man Card winners this week. If you didn't get yours this week, come back again on Thursday and try again!